Amnonian Love

It is sad when young teenage couples throw around the phrase, "I love you." Perhaps such sentiments are expressed because the young people want to appear older than they really are, as if saying the words automatically makes them more mature. However, I really believe that there are many young people (and even some older people) who, when they speak of love, have in mind something very different...something very dangerous and carnal. In this article, I'm going to refer to this love as "Amnonian Love," and I'd like to direct your attention to 2 Samuel 13:1-2...

"After this Absolom the son of David had a lovely sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. Amnon was so distressed over his sister Tamar that he became sick; for she was a virgin. And it was improper for Amnon to do anything to her."

We are introduced to some of David's offspring and the soap-operaesque drama that unfolded in their lives. There was Absalom, of course, but the two MAIN characters in this story are Amnon and Tamar. Amnon was Tamar's half-brother (2 Sam. 3:2-3), and we are told that he loved her. It was not uncommon for such affections to exist between relatives during the Old Testament period, and as we learn later in the text, there is the possibility that Amnon could have married Tamar if he had only sought David's permission and blessing. So the potential romance between this man and woman was not necessarily wrong, but the manner in which Amnon dealt with these feelings was wrong.

First of all, I want you to notice that, according to the Holy Spirit, Amnon "loved" her. The Hebrew word here is ahab and it means, "to have affection for (sexually or otherwise)." I would suggest to you that Amnon's "love" for Tamar was actually not love at all, but lust, or sexual desire. He was attracted to her, for she was a very lovely woman, and while it may be natural for a man to be attracted to a lovely woman, Amnon's attraction turned into lust. Lust is an emotion, or feeling, that dominates the mind and slowly but surely removes inhibitions. It is like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger and more dangerous as it picks up speed. With Amnon, we learn that his feelings became so strong that it affected him physically. It consumed him.

Unfortunately, his "love" for Tamar wasn't restricted to certain unlawful desires...

"But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab the son of Shimeah, David's brother. Now Jonadab was a very crafty man. And he said to him, 'Why are you, the king's son, becoming thinner day after day? Will you not tell me?' Amnon said to him, 'I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.' So Jonadab said to him, 'Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Please let my sister Tamar come and give me food, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand'" (vs. 3-5).

Jonadab was Amnon's cousin, and rather than provide Amnon with sound advice on how to be more pure, or how to properly deal with his feelings, he fanned the flames of passion by convincing Amnon that he had every right...not only to have those desires, but to ACT upon them...and to do whatever he had to do to get what he wanted. Amnon had no right to Tamar. He was wrong. He should have respected the boundaries that were in place and had the discipline and patience to act lawfully and properly. But his desires were aroused. He wanted her. And why shouldn't he have her?

So Amnon followed Jonadab's advice. He deceived his father (and many others), and when Tamar was within his grasp, he took her, and despite her objections, he raped her (vs. 11-14). But what is most amazing about this text is Amnon's reaction after his desires were gratified...

"Then Amnon hated her exceedingly, so that the hatred with which he loved her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, 'Arise, be gone!'" (vs. 15)

Was Amnon bipolar? Was there something wrong with him mentally that caused him to love Tamar one minute and then hate her the next? What could possibly cause such a change in Amnon?

I think the reason lies in the nature of Amnonian Love. When your so-called "love" for someone is rooted in unlawful physical desire, then naturally, when those physical desires are gratified, the "love" fades away, or, as in Amnon's case, leads to feelings of bitterness and resentment (rather than guilt).

Sadly, there are so many young people today who are guilty of Amnonian Love. Like Amnon, they confuse lust with love. Even though they have no right to the person who happens to be the object, or victim, of their obsessive affections (for God has specified that sexual desires and activities are reserved for marriage), they grow more and more determined to have what they want. We see teenagers who are infatuated with one another, who begin dating, and...holding hands, and then kissing, and then making out, and then...eventually, as they grow older, they go further and further until, by the third or fourth or fifth relationship, they are engaging in intercourse. And yet, after each relationship, we see these young, immature people expressing hatred for one another. The boy and girl who once were obsessed with one another now are sworn enemies. A lot like Amnon and Tamar.

On the other hand, true agape love is selfless. It is not a mere feeling, but involves understanding of the sanctity of that relationship. It is rooted in something much deeper than sexual desire, but in an appreciation for the other person's spirit and their value to God. If one person truly has this love for another, they will only do what is best for the other person. Agape love is long-lasting, and it grows deeper and deeper over time, while Amnonian Love comes and goes as one's feelings come and go. Agape love is a blessing that will enrich many lives; Amnonian love is destructive.

Young people (and old people), I encourage you to resist the temptation of Amnonian Love. Do not be like Amnon. Do not have desires for someone you cannot presently have. Do not dwell on someone that you cannot presently have. Do not pursue a relationship with someone that you cannot presently have, lest, like Amnon, you be overwhelmed with passion and do something that you will regret. If you truly love someone, you will express that love in the right way at the right time, and you will do so lawfully as God would have you to. Please, I beg you...act in such a way that when you get married one day, you can enter that most holy relationship with your new spouse with a pure and innocent mind...not with bitter memories of improper relationships.