More on a Husband's Role

I preached this past Sunday night on marriage roles. The lesson was based in Ephesians 5:22-33 and was specifically called, "Establishing Headship in the Home." I chose this title for a reason. You see, there is no question biblically that a husband is the "head" of his wife (Eph. 5:23), but as I pointed out in my sermon, the command of "headship" isn't given to the husband, but to the wife. In other words, the man is never commanded to establish headship or to ensure that his wife submits to him. Instead, the command of headship is given to the wife. She is instructed to submit to her husband FOR he is her head, just as Christ is head of the church. 

And so my sermon articulated two primary points:

1. The wife, by her submission to and respect for her husband, elevates him to the position of leadership and headship in the home.
2. The husband, rather than focusing on his right to headship, is commanded to "love" his wife just as Christ "loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Eph. 5:25).

Many Christians fail to approach the passage in this light. Women misunderstand the role of submission and men abuse the concept of headship, thinking that it is their right and sometimes even their obligation to MAKE SURE the wife submits to their rule. In my sermon, I tried to correct these misnomers and provide insightful, biblical recommendations on HOW to properly understand this text and fulfill these roles in the home. That sermon can be accessed HERE.

However, I spent so much time introducing the material and then explaining the wife's role that I didn't spend as much time as I had hoped on the husband's role. In this article, I'd like to further explain Paul's comments to the husbands in Ephesians 5:25-33.

First of all, as I mentioned above (and in my sermon), the husband is never directly commanded to BE the head of his wife. Is the husband the head of the wife? Absolutely. That is God's design. But the husband's emphasis, according to Paul, is not on headship, but on love. "Husbands, love your wives..." is the command in Ephesians 5:25. In Colossians 3:19, after telling the wives to submit to their own husbands, Paul turns to the husbands and says - guess what? - "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." And again, in 1 Peter 3:1-7, Peter specifically instructs the wife to be submissive to her husband...but then tells the husband, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (vs. 7).

So many Christian men enter marriage with the mistaken notion that they must take the reigns of leadership and if necessary, force their way to the top of the pyramid. This can be disastrous! Not only do women often resent and rebel against such a pressured approach, but men are often left feeling angry and insecure when any of their "commands" are rebuffed.

Yes, the husband is the head of the wife. But instead of focusing primarily on this concept of headship, husbands ought to focus primary on not only expressing love for their wives, but pursuing a deeper, more scriptural understanding of this Christ-like love. That needs to be the priority! And if men will do this, not only will their decisions be more readily accepted, but the wives will more willingly submit to such sacrificial, selfless leadership.

The second point that I'd like to make regarding the husband's role is that the husband is plainly instructed to model his role after Christ's. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Eph. 5:25). In my sermon, I did discuss this at length, but please bear with me as I elaborate on this here.

Obviously, Paul draws specifically upon Christ's sacrifice as the ultimate expression of His love for His bride, the church. Even when "the bride" was undeserving and far from pleasant, Jesus went to the cross and did what was best, not for Him, but for His bride. He gave His life! Likewise, husbands must have this same sacrificial mindset. Physically, this is certainly true; a husband must be willing to lay down his life for his wife/family. But more than that, this selfless, sacrificial mindset will prompt the husband to preface all major decisions with the question, "What is best for my family?" Not for me. But my family. Headship doesn't grant the husband unlimited access to a life of pleasure and self-service while the wife and family are forced to "submit." Headship is a burden in this sense. It's a position of incredible responsibility.

Even though Paul only specifies Christ's sacrifice as the model of love in Ephesians 5:25, I believe there is great value in exploring ALL of Christ's subtle displays of love.

• Despite His clear authority, He didn't flaunt it and rub it in the disciples' faces. He wasn't arrogant or prideful or dictatorial. While there were certainly times when Jesus taught on His authority and Lordship, He spent MUCH more time leading by example.
• He was compassionate and sympathetic towards the struggles and plights of His followers and those He encountered from day to day. In John 11, when Mary and Martha and all the Jews were weeping about Lazarus' death, we're told that "Jesus wept" (vs. 35). And how did Jesus treat the woman caught in adultery in John 8? Did He flaunt His authority over her? No! He recognized her pain and her sorrow and showed her compassion when the Pharisees wouldn't. I am reminded of Peter's admonition to husbands in 1 Peter 3:7: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding." Husbands ought not be cold, calloused, unfeeling leaders; they need to make every effort to sympathize, understand and reach out to their wives.
• My favorite display of love is in Matthew 14:1-21. After Jesus' cousin, John the Baptist, was executed by Herod, He was full of grief and sorrow and sought solitude. He was always so busy. He was always thronged by the people. Always serving and working. So He had a right to some solititude and rest, right? And yet what did His followers do? They followed him. Jesus didn't react by saying, "Give me some space!" Instead, he "was moved with compassion" for the multitudes (vs. 14) and sought to further serve their needs. Husbands can learn a valuable lesson here. Even when they are tired from a long day of work, and even when they are laden with stress, they must rise above their weariness and put their family's needs first even then.
• And finally (for this article), consider the powerful message in John 13:1-14. Here we find Jesus, the Son of God, the Lord of lords and King of kings, actually washing the disciples' FEET. This was such a humbling task...an undesireable work...and certainly NOT something that the Master would do for the servants. But Jesus did it. And it shocked the disciples! "...just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many" (Mt. 20:28). Headship is not about "the right to rule." It's the ultimate role of service. Husbands who strut around with the expectation that their wives and families will serve them and bow to their every whim are completely and shamefully abusing their position.
• Many other comparisons could be made from the life of Christ.

Doesn't this add such meaning and power to Ephesians 5:25? Yes, Christ was and is the "head of the church," but when writing to the husband, Paul instructs husbands to focus specifically on Christ's "love" for the church. This should be every husband's model!

But the passage doesn't end in verse 25...

Paul goes on in verses 26-28 to further describe Christ's goals for the church. Not only did He love the church and give Himself for her, but His ultimate desire was the glorification of His bride. He died for her and continues to be a husband to her so that "He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish"  (vs. 28). Many husbands today are concerned about their own appearance. It's pride! But Jesus has always sought the betterment of His bride, the church. Husbands, are you investing in your wife? Are you helping her to become a better person, a better Christian? Do you inspire or repress her?

Then, Paul FURTHER makes the comparison to the Christ-church relationship by emphasizing the church, not as the bride of Christ, but as the body of Christ (vs. 29-30). He says to husbands: "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church" (vs. 28-29). I always thought that Paul was almost recommending a somewhat vain and selfish approach to marriage here, and was therefore baffled by the language. Why would Paul so definitively encourage an attitude of sacrifice only to turn around and use vanity and self-service to illustrate the same point? Love your wife as your own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. Vain? Selfish? Not actually!

The more that I've studied this passage, the more I've come to realize that Paul is really stressing the unity of marriage here. After all, "the two shall become ONE flesh" (vs. 31). A husband and wife are "one body" together in this sense. In 1 Corinthians 7:4, Paul similarly states that the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's body belongs to the wife. A husband and wife are not two mutually exclusive entities that co-habitate. God's plan is that the husband and wife always chase after a greater sense of oneness...and those Christian couples who have been working at their marriage for years know that this is indeed what happens. It's beautiful, really! 

Husbands, your wife is your body! Love her. Cherish her. Care for her. 

If you neglect her or abuse her in any way, you're only hurting yourself. And so don't allow your marriage to dissolve or break apart. Don't allow your relationship with your wife to become detached and distant. Don't allow your selfishness and pride to destroy the holiness and sanctity of your union. Again, care for her and love her just as Christ cares for and loves His body, the church.

And finally, in Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

This is critical...

So many times in marriage, we act as if our responsibilities are contingent on our spouse fulfilling their responsibilities. A wife will say that she can't submit to a bad leader or to a jerk. A husband will say that his wife isn't worth leading or loving. We play the blame game and act as if our obligations are conditional. But dear reader, they're not! And that's Paul's point here! A wife, no matter what, must be submissive and respectful to her husband. Likewise, a husband must "see to it" that he loves his wife, even if she isn't the ideal spouse, even if she's hard to love.

Marriage is hard. It's a daily struggle. We're all humans and not only are we full of faults, but we make mistakes every day. However, in Christ, there is hope because we can lay aside our own inadequacies and model ourselves after someone who is MORE than adequate. We can strive for His standard. And His standard works so beautifully because it demands that we give up self, and live and act selflessly...just as our Lord did for us.

I hope that this LONG article has been helpful to you. 

If you're a woman, feel free to share this article with your husband, but don't rub it in his face. Again, YOUR focus needs to be on submitting to your husband just as the church has submitted to Christ. If your husband is unwilling to listen to Scripture, follow the wisdom of Scripture by being a daily example of submission and purity for him (1 Peter 3:1-6).

Men, I hope and pray that this article has helped you to better understand your role in marriage. It helps me to meditate upon these thoughts and to be reminded. I need to be reminded often.